So before I fell pregnant I was out every Friday and Saturday for at least a year, sometimes I would be out a few nights in the week too, but if not, at least every single Friday and Saturday.
I was a bit of a party girl going through a bit of a rough time and I wanted to be, “wasted” as much as possible to get through. I hit my absolute lowest of lows right at the end of 2014 and as the new year approached, something inside me changed. A friend who saw me at my lowest gave me a “Keep it bright” handbook at this time and as well as the change I felt myself, this handbook got me to the best place I could be. I would recommend it to anyone who is down, or has low self esteem and needs a boost. It definitely helped me gain perspective.
I was still partying at the beginning of 2015, but it was calming down compared to the last year. I suddenly finally felt comfortable in my own company. I started to enjoy being alone and sober and would find it relaxing, rather than being anxious and depressed in my own company, like I had felt previously. I started burning incense, listening to music and reading. I just started finally enjoying time to myself. I actually don’t think I had ever enjoyed my own company so much. I felt positive about everything. As I say, I was still going out but I wasn’t getting as wasted as I previously had done.
And in between the nights out I was feeling a lot more positive, its just hard to break the cycle straight away. Then, at the end of January 2015, I realised I couldn’t remember when I last had a period and as I knew I had messed up my pill over a couple of days at the end of December, I figured I better just to a test to be sure.
I had gone out the Friday 30th January, had a few drinks but it wasn’t going down too well, so me and a couple of friends came back to mine. I went to bed and the father who now lived with me, had been out in Brighton for a friends birthday, It was really cold to the point where it actually snowed, and I had gone to bed and turned the heating on full. So I messaged the father to turn the heating down when he came in. We were not meant to be seeing eachother anymore but I had mentioned in the message to turn the heating down, that he could come and sleep in my room and cuddle as it was cold … if he wanted, when he got in.
A few texts went back and fourth, then we spoke on the phone for about 40 minutes whilst he was still in Brighton, just having a laugh and being idiots, then I said I was going to sleep. He came in at about 5am, and came to my room, got in bed and cuddled me. I was really tired but he was drunk and wide awake and kept singing Culture Club – Karma Chameleon, REALLY loud and trying to keep me awake! He won, he was making me laugh and woke me up so we stayed up talking and laughing and being idiots for about 5 or 6 hours. I had actually joked about messing my pill up, which he knew about, and when we were laying cuddling and talking I said, “What if I was pregnant right now?” and he responded . . “Ohhhh . . I dunno, I would probably run away” he laughed. “But I would come back when I had figured stuff out”.
He went down to his room the next day, and I joined him and we stayed in bed all day napping, watching TV and also got a takeaway. He woke me up about 10 in the evening and said he was gonna go to town if I wanted to come, but I was so tired so I decided against it and went up to my bed as he went out. I woke up the Sunday 1st February feeling fresh as a daisy as I had stayed in the night before for once. I decided to get up and get out of the house as it was quite a nice day, I popped to my Auntie’s for a while then I had arranged to go and do Karaoke with my friend Geri and have a few drinks in the evening. I told Geri I was gonna pop to the shops, grab something to eat as I hadn’t eaten yet, grab a pregnancy test, go home and eat and do the test, then I would go get her to go out.
I didn’t actually think for a single minute I would see a positive test. I was just unsure of where I was in my cycle and figured I better just make sure. I popped home, did the test and went downstairs and started making bagels whilst I waited for the result. Not one bit nervous, I really didn’t think much about it. I looked at the test and it said “Pregnant”. Despite this, I STILL didn’t panic or think I was pregnant, because it was a test which would say, “Not” before the “pregnant”, or the amount of weeks you were pregnant. So I was just waiting for the, “Not” to pop up with it. But then 1-2 popped up. I ran to the fathers room and tried to open the door in a panic, he got up and opened it and I threw the test on his bed and told him I was pregnant. I walked back into the kitchen, began to eat a bagel but I had lost my appetite. The father will eat anything he is given so I gave him the bagels, tried to call Geri about 10 times but no answer. So I got in my car and drove to her, I never ever got upset, I was shocked but I felt so happy.
I felt like I was in such a positive place, I was finally comfortable in my own company and I have always believed everything happens for a reason. This just felt like the next chapter of my life. I knew the father wouldn’t be feeling this way, so I had already decided on the way to Geri’s that I was doing this with or without him.