I was quite happily plodding along with pregnancy at this point, although I had the bleed I was really lucky with sickness. I’d only had 2 days of morning sickness between 6 and 7 weeks, both happened at the same time at work and I felt fine immediately afterwards. People constantly asked me about cravings and I didn’t really think I had any at the time .. but looking back I definitely did.

I am a vegetarian and I remember being really annoyed because the father had cooked himself dinner one night, and I so badly wanted to eat whatever it was I could smell. It turned out to be gammon! I was gutted I wanted to eat it, but I didn’t of course!

I did however go through many other food phases throughout. I was obsessed with McDonalds hash browns. I wanted them all of the time, I think I had about 6 mcdonalds breakfasts over a few weeks before I got over that craving and they eventually made me feel sick. I then just wanted vegetable spring rolls, I ate these a lot, until 1 night I had 4 large spring rolls for dinner, then threw them up shortly after. That was the end of that craving. I loved just vegetables in gravy for a while, and continued to eat this quite a lot throughout.

I randomly one morning had a craving for french toast, however I had never made this and hadn’t eaten french toast since I was a little girl. So the father went to the shops one morning with the agreement, I would pay for the ingredients and he would make them for us. I got him to do this a few times, food is always better when its made for you!

I ate scrambled egg on toast a lot throughout, sometimes for breakfast, sometimes for dinner, sometimes both . . . but I never got sick of this one. I also loved tiger bread with butter, and the final one was mint magnums. I didn’t excessively eat them but I used to occasionally get an overwhelming urge to eat them so I would actually panic if I was running low in case I got the urge to eat one. One night I remember it was about 11pm, and was pouring down with rain but I NEEDED a mint magnum! I got in my car and drove to Asda, bought a box of mint magnums, and a loaf of fresh tiger bread. I remember walking to the checkouts and a few people looked at me as if to say, “You are here at this time of night, for magnums and bread?”. But when you get a craving, it needs to be fulfilled! It is overwhelming!!

I had felt like a butterfly feeling for a while but I remember one night I was sitting on my sofa, and suddenly! First kicks!! I was around 19 weeks and it felt like popcorn popping in my tummy. I was so excited, it is such a weird and wonderful feeling. I felt it a few times that night. It was amazing.

The day approached for the 20 week scan and I decided, after a LOT of thinking, to message the father and give him the opportunity to come to my last scheduled scan. Here is how the conversation went;

Me: Even though I know you’ve made your mind up. I feel like I should offer you the opportunity to come to my last scan before Dylan is actually here. It’s on 26th May, I can’t remember the time right now, and I know it goes against what I said in my last looooong message. But you haven’t even had the opportunity to see him as a baby, as opposed to when you saw him as “Cells with a heartbeat”. It’s the last scan I’ll get offered. I know you “feel nothing” etc etc, but maybe you should just come and see him moving around before you disappear for good. I know you’re “too selfish” and what not . . And I don’t want anyone there who doesn’t want to be. Believe me. I know I can do it on my own and I know I will be enough. But a thought entered my head the other day that what if in 5 years . . Or 10 years you had a massive change of heart and you decided you wanted to try and be there for your son. This has occurred to me before, but the difference with this thought was, it might not be your choice by then. Like I wanted to find my dad, I did. I got rejected again. Dylan might be completely different to me .. He might not want to meet you if you have been gone for years. I’m sure you have probably thought about all this, I dunno, But these are just more thoughts I was having as the pregnancy has progressed. I think you should just think about it a little bit before you decide on this scan. It’s not like you have to be there after you’ve seen him on the screen moving around  . . but at least you’ll know if you had any different feelings at that point, rather than when it might be too late. Also, the “too selfish” thing . . I get that, I do. But some fathers only see their kids for 2 weekends a month. Some more and some less but at least they are there. Yeah it would still change your life but not hugely. Anyway, you know what i’m like. Brain doesn’t seem to stop. I’m gonna try and sleep…When he stops kicking me that is! Night.

The Father: Thank you, I shall think about it. Night lady.

Me: Night, and thanks for actually thinking about it and not shutting it down immediately. Appreciate it.

The Father: No problem. Thanks for the constant chances to be a part of it regardless of my decision.

Me: Well I’m usually pretty stubborn, but its not about me this time I guess, so I can’t be. He’s stopped kicking so I’m gonna try and sleep now. Night.

Going through my messages now we spoke a fair bit after this, not about the baby or scan, but just joking as friends like we always had. It was really weird being in this position with him. After one conversation I asked if he had thought anymore about whether he was coming to the 20 week scan, and he said he would come.

Here is a picture of me laying flat a few days before the scan.

We met at the hospital on the day of the scan, I was so anxious, I had a clear bump by now which he must have seen, as we did live together. But this time I was going to lay next to him and he would see my bump clearly, and see our baby moving around on the screen. The scan started and there he was, looking bigger of course and this time he was sucking his thumb! I was so excited watching him move around as always, I looked at the father a couple of times. He was looking at the screen but had a completely blank expression on his face. I was a little upset as all I could think was that if my Mum, or Aunty, or Geri had have been there with me, they would have been as excited as me throughout the scan, but he just wasn’t.  I felt  like I was basically there alone. We didn’t talk as we left, nor in the car on the way home. I was too scared to actually speak to him in person about it so I messaged him later saying that I felt that the scan just confirmed what he already thought, to which he agreed. So that was that, I couldn’t really do anymore.

Below is the thumb sucking 20 week scan 🙂