Because of the bleeding throughout my pregnancy, I had another scan at 8 weeks which was amazing. In 2 weeks my little bean with a heartbeat, now looked like an actual tiny baby with a leg in the air. My Mum came to this scan, the first one she had been to with me and was amazed and very emotional to see her grandchild on the screen.

By this time the father had said that he was pretty sure he didn’t want to be involved at all. So I didn’t bother telling him about this scan.

He happened to message me about something unrelated just as I was walking out of the hospital, so at this point I told him I that I had just had another scan and that this time it looked like a baby, I rather than a bean. I asked if he wanted to see, to which he replied, “Sure”. It was all very confusing.

It went on like this for a while, and there were many arguments between us, sometimes I was completely and utterly to blame, and sometimes he was completely to blame. Living together during this situation was very testing and very hard for me, and I am sure for him too. He told me 2 days after I found out that I was pregnant that he was “Seeing how things go” with his ex, which I was completely in shock about as we had spent the night together just 3 days prior. I asked him to respect me enough to not have her over to the house we both lived in at this time, which caused further rows.

A couple of weeks later I said it was ok for her to stay but I felt really uncomfortable each time she came over, and after a situation arose where I felt that I was completely taken the piss out of, I told him that I couldn’t deal with it anymore and that she was no longer welcome. I felt like I was being far too accomodating for him, which in turn meant that he didn’t seem to be in a rush to leave. I couldn’t understand why he would still be renting a room in my home. It was becoming unbearable for me to live with, and I actually went to stay with my Mum for a while to get away from the tension.

My 12 week scan approached and I went with Geri. I was very nervous for this scan as I was still bleeding and I was terrified I could still be at risk of losing the baby, or thought maybe the bleed was there because something else was wrong. On this scan the sonographer is checking the heartbeat,  the baby’s measurements to assist with providing an estimated due date, as well as many other things. It turned out that despite the bleed, everything was perfect. The baby looked so different from the last scan, and was now moving around on the screen. It was amazing to watch with Geri, and seeing someone elses reaction at seeing their first real life baby scan.

A further 2 weeks went and the bleeding finally stopped. I would love to be able to tell you that I relaxed after that, but I think once you have a rocky start, you continue to worry about it throughout.

But whilst the worry never completely stopped, I did worry a little less once the bleeding has stopped. I finally really started to enjoy pregnancy, and loved watching my bump grow and change every single day.

{Continuing on from my previous blog.}

I froze when I saw the blood. My eyes filled up, I ran upstairs and shouted through the upstairs bathroom door…

“Mum, I need you to take me to hospital. I’m bleeding”. I remember her reaction was panicked but she said she would be right out. My cousin was there doing her hair, so my Mum was in the shower at this point washing the dye out.

I ran back downstairs to the toilet to check what was going on again and messaged my best friend Geri. I asked her to take me to hospital. I just needed someone calm and who would show less worry than a mother would. I was in tears and came back out of the toilet, my cousin Erin hearing what was going on followed me upstairs, she hugged me and told me not to panic and tried to run through the possible things it could be, to calm me down. She reassured me as she made me realise that although I was bleeding, there was no pain. Erin told me to lay down and call NHS direct, which I did.

Geri turned up at sat on the bed with me. So I was laying there with my Mum, my cousin and my best friend for support. I was waiting for callback after callback, so in the meantime I messaged the father to ask him to feed and let my dog out for me, and explained I didn’t know when I would be home due to what was going on.

Oh yeah, did I mention that we lived together? AWKWARD! As we were also friends, he ended up in a situation where he needed to move out of his current home, and so I offered him a room at mine, to rent.

Funnily enough, it was around 4 days after he moved in, that I found out I was pregnant. So you can imagine the tension in the house!

Anyway, I messaged him and he was actually amazing. He is very awkward and not great at comforting people, so he did what he does best and sent me stupid messages, that were making me laugh in between the crying.

Eventually NHS direct told me to go to my local hospital. Geri took me and we went in and saw a doctor. I laid down on a hospital bed, he asked me a few questions and prodded around my tummy. The doctor followed this up with “It is likely your body is trying to miscarry”. Blasé as anything. “It is likely your body it trying to miscarry”.

Just like that! I was heartbroken. No emotion, no empathy, I could see Geri was as shocked as me. He said there was nothing they could do, and to go to East Surrey in the morning to request a scan. He said in the meantime to monitor the bleeding, and to catch any clots I may pass in a bag.

I got home and was nervous to see the father there, we were still friends but as we were in a situation that we didn’t agree on, and living together, things were very tense. He had a couple of friends in his room that he had invited before this had all happened. Geri left me at home in the living room with him, telling me that she would come to the scan if I needed her to and to let her know, she knew I was going to ask the father to come first.

I was trying not to cry as he asked me about what the doctor said, he sat down and cuddled me and that was it, the floodgates opened. I cried in his arms for what felt like a good 30 minutes. I could hear his mates asking where he had disappeared to, so I told him to go back in his room and see them and I would knock on his door if I needed him, he said he was happy to stay with me but I insisted he go back in.

He had agreed to come to the scan, but worked nights, so he went to work at 2am. He messaged me when he got there telling me if anything happened in the night he would get a cab to wherever I needed him to be. I asked him to finish work a little early so we could get to the scan in the morning, which he did. I picked him up on the way and it was very tense and quiet in the car, we literally spoke a few words and then it was silent. It was the same in the waiting room at the hospital. The only conversation I actually recall was me warning him, that no matter what the outcome of the scan was, he was going to see more tears! I mean, if I had lost the baby I would have been devastated. But if I hadn’t, I knew I would cry happy tears of relief.

After going from department to department they finally called me in for a scan, I gave the father my things and asked him to wait outside. The lady who called me in said, “Is he the father? and are you sure you don’t want him to come in?” I did want him to come in, I looked at him and nodded yes and he followed me in. The lady turned the lights out, put the cold jelly on my tummy and began the scan.

I’ve never felt anything like it, just watching and waiting to see if my baby was in there. And there it was on the screen in black and white. A bean looking thing with a heartbeat pounding away. True to my word I burst into tears of relief and happiness. I didn’t take my eyes off the screen so I had no idea if the father was looking. It was all a blur at this point but I was told there was small bleed in the sac but it wasn’t touching the baby, and the baby had a strong heartbeat. I was advised it would continue to bleed out until it was all gone, but to call again if there was any pain or if the bleeding worsened.

Me and the father left the scan and the tension between us was gone. I called my Mum as I walked to the car and messaged Geri. Both were over the moon for me. As we were driving out of the hospital I turned to the father and said, “Did you see its little hearbeat?” to which he smiled and told me he had seen it. I gave him the scan pics that they had given me as I left which he had a look at, as I drove. We were chatting away about crap and getting along like we had before I found out about the pregnancy. It was really confusing as he seemed as happy as I did following the scan.

To be continued.