I’m not rude .. I have anxiety!!

Published May 16, 2019 by Mumumental

Anxiety can be crippling for some, and a minor inconvenience for others.

Most people think I’m a very confident girl, which I am to an extent. (Mainly, when I’ve had a drink.) But as I’ve gotten older the confidence has most certainly dropped, and the anxiety has been slowly increasing. I’m not 100% sure why, you would think as you got older you would care less. But it’s not as simple as that, unfortunately.

For example, I popped to Asda yesterday to get a couple of bits. I saw a couple of people who I know through friends. Both of which are lovely, and in an environment with our mutual friends, I always enjoy chatting to them. I absolutely shit myself when I saw them. I saw them half way round and automatically looked down. It was just a reaction without even thinking. I continued walking, mad at myself thinking, “Ellie, you knob. Just look up and say hello” but I literally just couldn’t. Anxiety and panic took over.

Then, as I was just finished paying for my shopping, I looked up. This time one of the people I knew, looked back at me. And like most people she warmly smiled at me and said “Hiya, you alright?” I smiled back and replied, “Oh hiya, yeah good thank you!” And just carried on walking. It was like I was running away from something extremely awkward. But it wasn’t an awkward situation. But to a person filled with anxiety, your every day occurrence, causes panic.

I know how rude it looks. And I really just wanted to put a quick blog up about it for a few reasons. One of which is to say sorry, if I’ve ever done this to you and you thought I was being rude, or dismissive. I’m not doing that intentionally. I am trying to smile and be polite on the outside, but inside I am battling the awful feeling of anxiety and panic. It’s honestly nothing personal.

I also wanted to share this blog because I am learning that so many people battle with this, in private. Some to the extent where they would rather just stay home. WE ARE NOT WEIRD OR RUDE. We are suffering with anxiety, and it’s ok.

When I have a nail appointment, or very rarely, a tattoo booking, anything at all that involves me interacting with someone who is practically a stranger. For days, sometimes WEEKS leading up to the appointment, I have moments of panic. I try and think of conversations I can start so I don’t look awkward and weird. It’s an ongoing daily struggle. To people who don’t suffer with anxiety, trust me, I know it can seem silly. I would have thought the same 15 years ago. But it’s real.

I just ask that people try to consider when you think someone has been short with you, or rude or dismissive. They might be battling something just like this.

Hopefully most of those with anxiety have been to see their GP to help to cope with it. I need to go back to mine, if I’m honest, but I am having a private therapy session tomorrow. So I’ll chat to her about it all too.

Love to you all ❤️

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