After looking into my mental health, and writing a blog about it. I found a website where you can put in your specific needs for a therapist. So I ticked trauma, because of the childhood trauma from my Biological father leaving. You put in your area, days you can attend, etc. Then you will receive an update to your account with the local qualified therapists and their prices. In my case I actually received a phone call from one of the therapists, recommended by the website.
I spoke to her for about 20 minutes on the phone explaining what it was I wanted to work through, and I cried straight away. It was so weird actually saying out loud, all the things I’d been through. I realised it was a lot and she was very helpful just on this phone call, so I couldn’t wait to meet her.
I explained that I had been looking into my mental health and I had come to the conclusion that I had some kind of abandonment issues, from my biological father leaving at the age of 2 / 3. That I believed that this had caused trust issues and caused me to follow repetitive, destructive patterns in relationships. She said I had already done the hard work for her and that I was half way there. She said a lot of people don’t realise what the trauma was that caused their behaviours later in life, and that getting them to realise what their particular trauma was, in order to work on it, can take quite a few sessions on its own.
I was apprehensive but excited to go to therapy. I won’t discuss everything because it’s very personal, obviously. But one part that I wanted to share, purely in case anyone has been in the same boat, and didn’t quite understand it. Was the trigger that took me back to being that 2/3 year old little girl.
Whilst I knew my biological father leaving has caused me particular hurt and issues over the years, I didn’t realise that the reason I took this recent breakup so hard, was because it had caused a trigger in my brain, and was causing me to relive the pain of being abandoned as a child, all over again.
Obviously any break up is awful and hard to go through. So I knew this would be the case, especially being recently engaged. Sharing children and being madly inlove .. on my part. But I really struggled. I struggled to get out of bed. I would cry from when I woke up, to when I went to sleep. My ex and family members had to help with the kids so that I didn’t constantly breakdown in front of them. It was literally like I was experiencing a death. And at the same time I felt like I was dying. I didn’t want to go out, out of fear that I’d bump into someone and they’d ask after my now ex. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I literally only told 2 of my friends and my Aunty, for the first 2-3 weeks. I just couldn’t handle it at all. I didn’t want to take my engagement ring off. I just didn’t want this to be my life. I wanted to go back in time and prevent the break up somehow, which I know now is ridiculous. I know now that our relationship was not healthy. No matter how much I loved him, our relationship was not working. So to go back and change it, all i’d be doing it sweeping issues under the carpet, not fixing them. I know now we would both need to have gone to therapy separately to work on our own issues, before we could ever have had a healthy relationship.
But I’d never taken anything in my life this hard. This breakup was honestly the hardest thing, other than losing my Nan, that I felt I’d ever been through. The thought of my kids kept me going. They were the only thing that kept kept me going. But there were even times I wasn’t sure if I was good enough for them anymore.
Going to therapy and speaking about all of this and learning that the reason it was particularly bad for me, was because it triggered that early abandonment made so much sense. It was like a weight lifted. I thought I was going insane and being almost pathetic letting a breakup affect me this badly. For months now. But I now knew that there was real reasons, that it had hit me harder than usual, and was taking me longer to get over than it might for others. You convince yourself that you’re worthless and stupid for taking longer than others, but when you realise there are actual reasons, it just makes you feel that bit better about it, and takes the pressure off of trying to move on quickly.
If you have certain behaviours or issues that have impacted your life, please try and look at what could have caused them and work through it. If you want to change them I really think you can. Fortunately I’ve been able to go to therapy as someone else, has offered to pay for it for me. But if you can afford it, I really recommend it. The lady I go to is £45 for the hour. I really believe now that I have a better future ahead because I am working on resolving my issues and behaviours.