All posts for the month May, 2019

Baby number 2

Published May 20, 2019 by Mumumental

I have written a very long blog continuing on from my blog, “First Year as a single mum, dating and meeting “The one”.”

I’m 90% sure that I will eventually post it, but right now is a tricky time.

It’s all about the start of my relationship. So I’m sorry if it feels like there’s a chunk missing between blogs, but it’s because there is. As much as I want to share everything with everyone, the good and bad. And ultimately yes it is my choice, but I’ve chosen to delay for a while to keep the peace.

So the very, very short version of the start of our relationship was that it was very fast, we fell very hard, we were both very passionate people which ultimately resulted in a lot of lows, with the incredible highs. We both made mistakes, I had trust issues which I have had my entire life, which were amplified in this particular relationship by many lies I had been told, that started coming out left, right and centre. We were either amazing, laughing all the time, having the time of our lives or we were rowing. There didn’t seem to be an in between.

3 months into the relationship, and after realising that the pill made me MENTAL. We decided to try fertility awareness. This meant I wouldn’t have to go on anything with hormones that would make me even more hormonal than I already was! It was just a case of tracking your periods, and taking your temperature every morning so you could tell when you were ovulating. Then you either didn’t have sex, or you used protection around the ovulation period. Sounds simple! And I thought I’d make it simpler by just ordering ovulation tests. Easy peasy!

One night we went out when the ovulation test said I was ovulating, we got very drunk, came home and did the deed. But … the condom had split. This had never happened to either of us before. So the next day, off we went to get the morning after pill from boots. No baby for us, no thank you!

I took the pill the next day, and a week or so later I started spotting so I took this as my period. It lasted about 5 days but was just very light. We were in Liverpool at the time and I said to my ex “My period is really light”. But we both agreed .. at least it was a period and I wasn’t pregnant.

Around a week or so later we had a date day, which was amazing. We took Dylan to Dave’s to stay with his mum. We went go karting which was wicked, we had such a laugh. Then we went back to mine to get ready to go out, I did an ovulation test which was positive. We both had a little cheer “woooop not pregnant” 😂 then went out for dinner, and drinks. It was the best date day, and night. So many funny things happened that night, it was wicked. I loved every second. Then we got back to mine, drunk. And we were not careful. We went online to order the morning after pill. Then the next day I was reading the order form list which tells you how to take it and what to look out for. It mentioned if you have a light period after taking the pill, that must do another pregnancy test. I thought that was weird as I’d had such a light period, after the last one. But then I remembered I’d done an ovulation test. So I couldn’t be pregnant.

Then suddenly it dawned on me. “Oh my god, oh my god. There were a couple of pregnancy strips mixed in with the ovulation ones” I remembered and actually said out loud to myself. I ran to the drawer and saw a pregnancy strip packet, here is what they looked like;

They were all mixed up together, but we were rushing to go out and I didn’t even think about the pregnancy tests being in there. I just quickly did what I assumed was an ovulation test. Got a positive, and carried on as normal thinking I wasn’t pregnant .. because I couldn’t be. I was ovulating in my head!

Now, realising this could well have been a pregnancy test that I’d done, I panicked, grabbed a pregnancy test strip packet…. on purpose this time, and went off to the toilet. Dave was at work. I did the pregnancy test and it was positive. I was in shock, I burst into tears and started shaking. I emailed Dave asking him to call me, he called and he thought I was joking. I was not. I begged him to come and see me and he left work. We spoke for about an hour, both in utter shock.

The reason I had cried is because as much as I loved my boyfriend, and I really did. Whole heartedly. We were very newly together, and we did have issues. It wasn’t smooth sailing. Looking back now it really could have been smooth sailing. The things that went wrong were so easy to avoid. Dumb, stupid, selfish choices. I will share all of that with you at some point. But hindsight is hindsight, and we can’t go back and change the mistakes we made. And I wish they’d never happened, but maybe my now ex doesn’t even think that way. Maybe in his eyes he wanted to make the mistakes he made. I don’t know. But I wish we had both been better to eachother.

We both decided that we had to keep our baby. The pressure was insane, on our relationship. We’d avoided contraceptives with hormones because of how crazy they made me … but now I was pregnant. And the hormones were REAL.

Although the pressure was on, I will say I felt like it did actually change my boyfriend for a while. I was lucky in the sense that if I asked him for anything at all, he would get it for me. Even if it meant going to the shop. He stuck by me through hormonal rants, but one thing he said he appreciated was that when I calmed down, I would always see sense and apologise. He was there every step of the way. And while there were a couple of huge arguments, which were not my fault in the slightest, which I can’t go into right now .. overall he was amazing. I’d never had anyone do that for me the first time round, so it was nice. I was being looked after.

The scans were amazing, being with the other person who had created this life growing inside of me, who was as in love with this little bean as I was. The way he loved my growing bump. He loved and was as excited feeling our baby’s kicks, as I was. It was a completely different experience to my pregnancy with Dylan, but both were equally as amazing in their own way.

Here was our pregnancy announcement picture;

To be continued …

I’m not rude .. I have anxiety!!

Published May 16, 2019 by Mumumental

Anxiety can be crippling for some, and a minor inconvenience for others.

Most people think I’m a very confident girl, which I am to an extent. (Mainly, when I’ve had a drink.) But as I’ve gotten older the confidence has most certainly dropped, and the anxiety has been slowly increasing. I’m not 100% sure why, you would think as you got older you would care less. But it’s not as simple as that, unfortunately.

For example, I popped to Asda yesterday to get a couple of bits. I saw a couple of people who I know through friends. Both of which are lovely, and in an environment with our mutual friends, I always enjoy chatting to them. I absolutely shit myself when I saw them. I saw them half way round and automatically looked down. It was just a reaction without even thinking. I continued walking, mad at myself thinking, “Ellie, you knob. Just look up and say hello” but I literally just couldn’t. Anxiety and panic took over.

Then, as I was just finished paying for my shopping, I looked up. This time one of the people I knew, looked back at me. And like most people she warmly smiled at me and said “Hiya, you alright?” I smiled back and replied, “Oh hiya, yeah good thank you!” And just carried on walking. It was like I was running away from something extremely awkward. But it wasn’t an awkward situation. But to a person filled with anxiety, your every day occurrence, causes panic.

I know how rude it looks. And I really just wanted to put a quick blog up about it for a few reasons. One of which is to say sorry, if I’ve ever done this to you and you thought I was being rude, or dismissive. I’m not doing that intentionally. I am trying to smile and be polite on the outside, but inside I am battling the awful feeling of anxiety and panic. It’s honestly nothing personal.

I also wanted to share this blog because I am learning that so many people battle with this, in private. Some to the extent where they would rather just stay home. WE ARE NOT WEIRD OR RUDE. We are suffering with anxiety, and it’s ok.

When I have a nail appointment, or very rarely, a tattoo booking, anything at all that involves me interacting with someone who is practically a stranger. For days, sometimes WEEKS leading up to the appointment, I have moments of panic. I try and think of conversations I can start so I don’t look awkward and weird. It’s an ongoing daily struggle. To people who don’t suffer with anxiety, trust me, I know it can seem silly. I would have thought the same 15 years ago. But it’s real.

I just ask that people try to consider when you think someone has been short with you, or rude or dismissive. They might be battling something just like this.

Hopefully most of those with anxiety have been to see their GP to help to cope with it. I need to go back to mine, if I’m honest, but I am having a private therapy session tomorrow. So I’ll chat to her about it all too.

Love to you all ❤️