I had arranged my baby shower really early, I arranged it in April, for the bank holiday weekend in August. I had bought most of the big things I needed and some little things, but had planned it so that I would have just shy of 6 weeks left to go and get whatever I didn’t have, after my baby shower. Well, if he was going to be on time of course!! My mum let me have the shower at her house and decorated the place beautifully and did lots of food for us. I had also asked my colleague to make me a cake and cupcakes for the day which turned out amazing!

I woke up the morning of the baby shower really excited but really nervous. I am generally quite loud and outgoing, however I am actually really uncomfortable when all the focus is on me, though people would never know that. I was looking forward to having a nice afternoon with family and friends, but absolutely DREADING the part where you have to sit in front of everyone and open presents.

It was set to rain, of course! It was a bank holiday weekend after all . . . But actually didn’t rain, it wasn’t sunny but was a warm day so we managed to sit in the garden under a little marquee, just in case the rain decided to make an appearance. We played games, chatted, and munched!! I had gone and bought lots of bags of different chocolates as prizes for the winners of the games we played. We had all the guests and myself, bring baby photos and had to guess who was who, as one game. For another everyone had to guess my bump size … which was preeeetty big by now, using a piece of string. We also played baby bingo and I think we played a nursery rhyme game. It was nice and chilled but I remember by the end of it feeling so drained. I was too embarrassed to open the presents in front of everyone so I waited until there was just a few of us left, and sat in my mums living room and did it. I felt really bad, but I was so tired.

I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful and thoughtful gifts people had purchased for me and baby. It was unbelievable. It was all becoming more and more real, and it made me so excited to meet my little man and see him in the lovely clothes I had been given.

I have one regret from my baby shower and that is the lack of photos, I only took photos of the decorations and the food. I didn’t even think to take photos throughout! I am glad to be writing about it though, at least I’ll always have the memories. Below are the only photos from that day.

After this lovely day, it was time for the final touches. I bought the Chicco Next to Me co sleeper crib. Which I couldn’t recommend enough, A nursing chair and other bits for the nursery. A few more bits for my baby boy, and some bits for me to go in my hospital bag.

It was also now time to get the nursery ready for baby! My Mum worked very hard helping me make the vision I had for the nursery a reality. She pretty much did everything, she had the room re-plastered, painted, had new flooring fitted, a wardrobe built, she even bought his chest of drawers / changing table and sanded and painted it the colours I wanted. Once we put everything together, the final product was perfect. Here are the pictures of the Nursery from every angle the day it was finished.

Once the Nursery was done, I was able to have everything in his room ready and relax a little bit. Well, I thought I would relax. Then came the waiting game . . . .

So before I fell pregnant I was out every Friday and Saturday for at least a year, sometimes I would be out a few nights in the week too, but if not, at least every single Friday and Saturday.

I was a bit of a party girl going through a bit of a rough time and I wanted to be, “wasted” as much as possible to get through. I hit my absolute lowest of lows right at the end of 2014 and as the new year approached, something inside me changed. A friend who saw me at my lowest gave me a “Keep it bright” handbook at this time and as well as the change I felt myself, this handbook got me to the best place I could be. I would recommend it to anyone who is down, or has low self esteem and needs a boost. It definitely helped me gain perspective.

I was still partying at the beginning of 2015, but it was calming down compared to the last year. I suddenly finally felt comfortable in my own company. I started to enjoy being alone and sober and would find it relaxing, rather than being anxious and depressed in my own company, like I had felt previously. I started burning incense, listening to music and reading. I just started finally enjoying time to myself. I actually don’t think I had ever enjoyed my own company so much. I felt positive about everything. As I say, I was still going out but I wasn’t getting as wasted as I previously had done.

And in between the nights out I was feeling a lot more positive, its just hard to break the cycle straight away. Then, at the end of January 2015, I realised I couldn’t remember when I last had a period and as I knew I had messed up my pill over a couple of days at the end of December, I figured I better just to a test to be sure.

I had gone out the Friday 30th January, had a few drinks but it wasn’t going down too well, so me and a couple of friends came back to mine. I went to bed and the father who now lived with me, had been out in Brighton for a friends birthday, It was really cold to the point where it actually snowed, and I had gone to bed and turned the heating on full. So I messaged the father to turn the heating down when he came in. We were not meant to be seeing eachother anymore but I  had mentioned in the message to turn the heating down, that he could come and sleep in my room and cuddle as it was cold … if he wanted, when he got in.

A few texts went back and fourth, then we spoke on the phone for about 40 minutes  whilst he was still in Brighton, just having a laugh and being idiots, then I said I was going to sleep. He came in at about 5am, and came to my room, got in bed and cuddled me. I was really tired but he was drunk and wide awake and kept singing Culture Club – Karma Chameleon, REALLY loud and trying to keep me awake! He won, he was making me laugh and woke me up so we stayed up talking and laughing and being idiots for about 5 or 6 hours. I had actually joked about messing my pill up, which he knew about, and when we were laying cuddling and talking I said, “What if I was pregnant right now?” and he responded . . “Ohhhh . . I dunno, I would probably run away” he laughed. “But I would come back when I had figured stuff out”.

He went down to his room the next day, and I joined him and we stayed in bed all day napping, watching TV and also got a takeaway. He woke me up about 10 in the evening and said he was gonna go to town if I wanted to come, but I was so tired so I decided against it and went up to my bed as he went out. I woke up the Sunday 1st February feeling fresh as a daisy as I had stayed in the night before for once. I decided to get up and get out of the house as it was quite a nice day, I popped to my Auntie’s for a while then I had arranged to go and do Karaoke with my friend Geri and have a few drinks in the evening. I told Geri I was gonna pop to the shops, grab something to eat as I hadn’t eaten yet, grab a pregnancy test, go home and eat and do the test, then I would go get her to go out.

I didn’t actually think for a single minute I would see a positive test. I was just unsure of where I was in my cycle and figured I better just make sure. I popped home, did the test and went downstairs and started making bagels whilst I waited for the result. Not one bit nervous, I really didn’t think much about it.  I looked at the test and it said “Pregnant”. Despite this, I STILL didn’t panic or think I was pregnant, because it was a test which would say, “Not” before the “pregnant”, or the amount of weeks you were pregnant. So I was just waiting for the, “Not” to pop up with it. But then 1-2 popped up. I ran to the fathers room and tried to open the door in a panic, he got up and opened it and I threw the test on his bed and told him I was pregnant. I walked back into the kitchen, began to eat a bagel but I had lost my appetite. The father will eat anything he is given so I gave him the bagels, tried to call Geri about 10 times but no answer. So I got in my car and drove to her, I never ever got upset, I was shocked but I felt so happy.

I felt like I was in such a positive place, I was finally comfortable in my own company and I have always believed everything happens for a reason. This just felt like the next chapter of my life. I knew the father wouldn’t be feeling this way, so I had already decided on the way to Geri’s that I was doing this with or without him.